How To Survive A Self Insert
by MyDarkSideHasAWayOfHerOwn
Summary: Simple basic rules and guidelines for surviving a sudden dimension switch. And always be on the lookout, Mary-Sues; there is NO escaping the SueSlayer.  T for some swearing.


...I felt like I had to. Even though I didn't.

Maybe this will (SLIGHTLY) cut down on Mary-Sues and bring life to some realistic self-inserts. It may sound strange, but I love self-inserts to bloody death when they're done at least somewhat well.

EDIT 10/14/10. SueSlayer, a term I thought I made up, I didn't. I feel so conceited... blegh. It is actually a term from **A Really Long but Short Self Insert** by Acriym, edited by Mieu. I sent the author an apology message and will edit out the term if the author requests I do so. It's reasonable... I did use it without permission.

Also, feedback! Yay! Thanks to Daniel14541!

EDIT 12/8/10. Holy crappus happy amatuer reviewed and supplied feedback. Also thanks to the other new reviews (Myo43 AND Big Boss01)

So, read on and enjoy!

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**How To Survive A Self-Insert**

Hello there, my fellow dimension-traveling fan! I am Temari Haruhara, here to provide you with important information that could very well save your life! There are some very simple rules and guidelines for people like us, but let's start with the beginning procedure first.

All right. So you do one of those wake up and 'OMFGWTFBBQ WHERE AM I' things. First things first...

1. Assess any injuries. If you happen to be bleeding profusely from the head, you might want to do something about it. One such incident occurred... that's how we lost Andromeda.

2. Try to figure out just where you are. If you do happen to be injured, don't go hopping around or anything. Again, Andromeda's mistake.

3. Once you've determined beyond any reasonable doubt where you are, give yourself a good half hour to generally freak out and vent. It can't be prevented; you only go entirely without panicking if you're a Mary-Sue, and they are always caught and devoured by the formidable SueSlayer. THAT'S how we lost Syrvrantia Sparkle Shiny Beautiful Curtiss...

4. Once you're calm enough to think rationally, make a list of everything you have with you. They may seem like nothing, but cigarette lighters, car keys, pocket knives, and cell phones can be useful even if you're in a very medieval world... you just have to use these things discreetly.

5. All right, unless you suddenly have mounds of the local currency you will need to get a job. I know many of us are socially challenged, but people can actually help the common disoriented job-hunter. ASK AROUND and remember, good manners go a long way with people.

6. After you have secured your source of income, secure temporary lodgings. You can't just sleep in an alley; local law enforcement may have issues with that. And you can't just check in to an inn/hotel without knowing you'll be able to pay for it; so seriously, GET THE JOB FIRST.

7. If there is ANY fighting going on in your world, start muscling up IMMEDIATELY. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, just assume you've conveniently morphed into a battle fiend, OR that nothing bad will happen to you... That's how we lost Maire. Find a weapon you can handle (or learn to handle... swords are easy, daggers are generally easier and safer.) Then find a good teacher. One does not just conveniently learn how to fight.

8. Try to remember how you may have been zapped to your current location. Any weird men/women/hermaphrodites/talking creatures, a malfunctioning television or game system, anything even remotely out of the ordinary like snow in Tennessee. If you can't remember anything really weird, that clearly points to amnesia. It may seem odd to place this so low on the priority list, but everything else actually is more urgent. Knowing how you got hurled into another dimension will not feed and clothe you, dear. Take care of all that FIRST.

9. Start reading up on your current world's cultures and customs. If your current world uses a different writing system, study until your eyes bleed. Different language, then... study until your eyes bleed. Use landmarks and the like to determine your location in a city until you can read signs.

Now, my good friend, for some important guidelines.

- Never assume you're going to get all buddy-buddy with the main protagonists of the world you're in. Do NOT stalk them or follow them at all, and if you do encounter them, do NOT beg to join their party. It is safer to travel in groups, but you only need to join a group if you have established a need to travel in the first place.

- Using future knowledge to blackmail a character into doing what you want (cough Kratos) is a VERY BAD IDEA. DON'T DON'T DON'T.

- Don't pick fights until you can actually defend yourself against the local monster/demon/Heartless/bandit.

- Asking for help is okay, but mooching is most certainly NOT. Repay your favors; that goes a long way with people, too.

- Don't try to hide your faults. That technically makes you a Mary-Sue, and fair game for the SueSlayer. (Cough goodbye Angela.) Use your faults to your advantage, or find ways to work around them.

- Try to lie only as much as you have to, especially if you're bad at lying. Tip: The whole 'Oh, I'm a foreigner' thing only really works when you can pick out a nice distant hometown that actually exists. Problem after that is the whole 'Oh noes no family or friends' thing.

- When answering questions about yourself and lying, don't make your life a bloody soap opera just to feel like you fit in better. You WILL become prey for the SueSlayer.

- NEVER assume you're going to be protected, even if you do have allies. Be able to defend yourself at all times. (Cough goodbye Millicent.)

- Don't assume that just because you're in your current world that you have to go along with the plot and important storyline. You can drift your own way just fine; your whole journey could very well consist only of wandering around trying to find a way back to Earth.

- If you can drive, and can get a car, you should. If you are in a world devoid of cars, invest in alternate means of transportation (chocobos, gummi ships, etc.) Walking all over the place is no fun, believe me.

And here, some advice from a wise ally of mine, **Daniel 14541**!

Don't ever ever ever tell them that your from an alternate dimension, the suspicion is not wanted or needed.

Don't tell them that you know whats going to happen in the future, that just gets you caught then tortured for information by well everyone!

Invest in defense as soon a possible, whether by a safer location such as a castle versus a town or a flak jacket versus a tee shirt, there is always one thing in common with an SI and Mary Sue there is fighting!

Go for practical weapons such as steel blades or better yet trench knives, don't go for gold and silver swords or a wip knife for one its stupid looking not cool and the other you don't know how to even use it, no one does!

Don't blindly charge the enemy you are not the protagonist and so you don't have plot armor, instead be the groups combat pragmatist and strategist if possible and STUDY your enemy.

Common sense is your biggest ally, aka thinking through EVERYTHING!, so use it you idiot!

Always have on you three knives onein the open to be easily taken, one easily hidden for them to find and take, and the last for you to keep.

Always carry on you some food stuffs it doesn't have to be something big even a pack of chewing gum, ESPECIALLY a pack of chewing gum can be used quite effectively to stave off hunger pains for a short while. But usually keep some jerky on you to tide you over.

Basics are NOT over rated a basic endurance and physical capabilities will ALWAYS be reward multiple times over.

Cliches are that way for a reason, it means that it was in fact a good enough idea usually to be used over and over again, just be careful what you use and what you don't remember combat pragmatist.

If you haven't seen s dead body yet, then get ready you are going to soon enough and make sure that you have a handy barf bag for when you do.

Learn how to run away as fast and quietly as you can your life will depend on it!

Tripping, clothes-lining, throwing sand/dirt, flashing a light in there eyes, faking out, pointing and going all OH NO!, ripping out there throat with your teeth, hamstring them, or even the good old fashioned garret wire from behind is a perfectly legitimate strategy for when you are out numbered, out gunned, or/and outclassed. It doesn't always go down to who has the better anything sometimes its just who ever wants to live more and what they are willing to do to have that happen.

That being said, guns should not be used unless you're trained at least even partially in their use, which falls into the fact of life kiddies!

Learn how to do everything; you don't have to be good at it or even remember it all that well, but in the heat of the moment your brain will use everything it can to ensure that you know what you need to do to survive. So covering it once or twice and then forgetting it is usually good enough for you to survive.

That being said, shotguns and chainsaws are useless unless you are 100% sure that you can get in close enough to use them.

If you're in a modern military setting and you are defending something remember that trip lines, bouncing betty's, napalm, and minigun turrets are all appropriate house decorations!

Read and keep on you the Evil Overlord and other such lists from TV Tropes! Hail to the Holy TV Tropes!

Be aware of your surroundings as much as possible, and as much of the time that you can! That will save your life at least three times if you listen to your senses!

If you suddenly acquire the feeling that you are being watched, hunted, stalked or otherwise followed or spied on you're probably right so stay in public places and try to locate the sensation.

Now, some wisdom from a renowned self-insert expert: **happy amatuer**!

If there are any brands or Earth locations on any items, such as jeans or books or even mugs from Target, REMOVE THEM ASAP. The Levi brand on your jeans is going to be hard to explain away to anyone who ends up washing your laundry.

Also, the simpler the lie, the easier it is to keep up, the more believable it is.

So, now you're armed with the basic knowledge that should get you through your unwilling journey in one piece. To you I wish the best of luck; remember, you don't have to be a ninja or the best liar there ever was to survive a sudden dimension switch.

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Wooow, wrote it all in one night.

Feel free to leave more advice thingies in reviews; I can edit this, add your idea, and credit you for it. Input will make this better.

No offense if I used your name when mentioning deceased characters. They were random.

Aaand... I doubt this will happen, but if you want to use this to write your own self-insert, following the rules and guidelines or quoting this or whatever, then feel free to do so as long as you credit me... or the person who I credit for a quote. Urgh, that sounds confusing... sorry.

Thank you for reading, my dear! Write those self-inserts; even if you get flamed, if I like your work, I will read it and at least try to review (I'm horribly lazy at times.)


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